Saturday, 27 June 2009

Gold diggers strike out

'Oh you must come round sometime,' she gushed—as she looked around for the £100,000 lottery winners.

He longed to whip out his diary, to see her squirm by taking it seriously. She quickly moved on leaving Bill chuckling. He was the £10,000,000 prizewinner who had ticked for no publicity.


'I love ferns, they are so green and…er…feathery,'said Sally.The visit to Mark's mother was sinking. It wasn't just her being a cut price Barbara Cartland, it was the look-what-the-cat-has-dragged-in looks from behind the china teacup.

'Oh…my late husband loved them.'

Mark gave Sally's hand a triumphal squeeze.

So who butters your parsnips?

Ooh, my little sweet potato pie,

come to daddies' dumplings thigh.

Hmm, make my bacon spit
and pappy promises to commit.

Oh yeath, break out the biscuits,
and forgive the bad boy pursuits.

Phew baby, did your oven rumble,
this guy's gone so has to scramble.

Call me, whenever. Chow.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

The Joys of Parenthood

'Ere mate give me a bleeding chance.' .....

.....Sir Sidney Smyth-Jones, looked over his bifocals

and asked, 'Why are you speaking like


.....At a loss, he turned to his manservant, who said, 'A

cockney geezer, sir.'

....'But it's all the go Pater.' .....

.....Yes… let us hope it keeps on going.'

A morning goodbye.

It was daybreak—they were coming. She heard the

warnings (who hadn't) but love
whispered stay.

As the sun fell, she sat, praying.

.....For the young that walked by she was the old woman

who muttered over her
rosary under sun or rain.

.....The aged just looked away as before.

One person's evening

'Naughty traffic warden time,' Aggie said,

pushing up breasts that caused most men

to double clutch.She wondered if this got his

pistons firing- afterall a woman needed

her engine revving to stop misfires.

.....The car crash silence told it all. He was

clearly pressing the accelerator of

something sportier.

Two lives

In a stage circle, the broken child smiles,

her hands rise in a circle for Earth.
We stand to mirror and sing out
a song of joy that she guides,
not as a spoilt copy,
but a divine spark
like you and me.
The nightmare
now a

Her last sounds
as gas hisses.
Condemned as corrupt-
a threat to purity.
Sterilised and removed.
No, not by Nazis fanatics,

they only strengthen the solution.
We had the kindness to merely discard.

Monday, 22 June 2009

Dine as King's do

It was payday. The room gleamed as children in

Sunday best jigged. Martha
stood proud in her

frayed wedding-dress as Herbert arrived to proudly

lay wages and steak on the table. It was bread,

cheese, and hungry Friday the rest of the week but

on payday, they ate like Kings.

Bread and God

David asked, 'Do a story about Jewish bread'

.....Johan thought and said, 'Flat or round bread?


.....'Once God saw a good man go hungry. Out of love, He made

flatbread into plaited bread. The man thanked God by giving the

bread away.'

.....'That’s a story?'

.....'For those that listen.'

Beware of the inner man

Trying on the Armani suit Joe looked into

the mirror and what he saw made him think

that's so me. Swirling around, he caught the

assistant's eye, and felt dirty.

.....Avoiding why. Joe drew out a blade and

said, 'Wat yo mother looking at?'

....The smile made him lash out.

Saturday, 20 June 2009

Walls have ears

'You got the Chamber speech yet,' the boss

is hopping mad.

.....'Let him, he sucks,' said Angelica.

.....I bet she's a screamer, Harry thought as

he scanned the script.

.....Making them jump, the boss barked, 'Harry, sack the broad.'

.....Nice one, thought Harry, moving to offer a night of comfort.

The best time may be now

.....As Jason took his marriage vows, he

thought this was the best time ever.
He thought

the same ten years later when the divorce

became final. Turning to Mike, he just

shrugged. Mike knew what this cost him.

As he kissed Jason, he knew this was the best

time ever.

When you don’t get it

I don’t get hummingbirds, all flutter and bill
I don't get humans, all crunch and still

I don’t get hummingbirds, why like bees?
I don’t get humans, why like trees?

I don’t get hummingbirds, they smell
I don’t get humans, they sell

Who cares we know who is clever

Don't come aknocking unless you want to come in

'You hear, there ain't going to be a next time,' said

Marline, putting the glass down.

.....Bob, brushed the water away, shocked that he was

capable of punching—and enjoying it.

.....The look in his eyes made her step back.

.....'Hmm baby do you want to spank me as well.'

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Love’s gamble

I have turned around my life,

to take a pledge, to be true for
always. A last time of lies to us,

except we hear an empty “love us”.
The promise of a perfect TV life,
with scripted smiles performed for

neighbours. You’ll come back but for
secret excitement stolen from us
before leaving to mirage life.

Where was the loving life for us?

First times don’t always come

'Is it a big where you get learned,' asked Billie

stretched out like a praying mantis.

.....'No it just looks big', said Jeanie, more interested in

the boys then answering her brother's questions.

.....'Will I get learned?'

.....She gave her answer without thinking—a regret

when she remembered his death.

Saturday, 13 June 2009

Well nobody’s perfect

The man in the Hawaiian shirt just stared.
Rather rude I thought given our night out.
I mean we had met in the bar,
for drinks and he flirted first.
Yes, I had worn a dress
with nice stud earrings
and it was dark,
but a beard
is a

Friday, 12 June 2009


.....'I sing on the days that are good and dance on those that are bad. He left me at the Cottonwood tree when the leaves rattled. The baby burned inside and stayed as I screamed for its smile. So I sing and dance until the leaves rattle, waiting his return.'

Blind Date

I hate beach sun,

on Whitsun leave
where fun means skin,
to chagrin, fries.
Instead, I want shade and raided libraries.

What can you say
when midday in
Biscay is cold
as cuckold love.
And heaven is sharkskin tan in blowtorch cove.

Who knew too late the date was fate?

A lost encounter

‘Did you find me?’


.....Maggie loved his extra bouncy lips.

'Where can we go?'

.....'I am sorry but do I know you?’

.....‘Not as much as I want you too.’

.....He blushed, got up and moved to the bar.

.....Mary said, 'You could just say the seat was taken.’

Plea Bargaining

I sat down and ate my last almond nut.

The first clue was my face swelling up.
Ma said, ‘Was I dumb dumb or what?’
The sharp response failed to come-
my throat kinda got stuck,
along with my breath.
So this was death.
Well not yet.
Is it?

Thursday, 11 June 2009

When you have to be alone

Victoria longed for the silence of autumn

rain when life was a snuggle with good

books rather then men who stayed long

enough to know she was a mistake.

.....Next time it would be different. It was

always was.
Perhaps she found her silence; it was too late to ask.

They don’t always forget

Bill hated all socks but especially long ones.

His mother would say, ‘Don’t you think he

looks awfully cute in long socks?’

.....Making him blush and the girl next-door

His revenge came later.

.....‘Yes she likes wearing long socks,’ he
would say, asking the nurses to ignore her


Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Careful what you start

It was feeling so tired and stretched.

.....‘A meme is like a virus,’ Roger explained
..... ‘For real, said the little boy?

.....‘No, it’s just a way of speaking. You can

post the first message.’

.....And so it grew and grew

Grown-up, Mark pressed the button that wrestled the internet back.

Winners don’t always come in first

‘You speak into a wire and then every one

with a wireless box hears your voice.’

.....The Research committee members rolled

their eyes discreetly as the Chair dismissed

him with, ‘Thank you. Next.’

.....The man shuffled out.

Nikola Tesla sat in the back wondering, which is why you remember him-honestly!